Ponderings

I'm having a hard time today. I've had a lottt to think about lately on this subject and it hasn't become any easier.

I sort of feel like I've been tossed back into grade school, what with all the friend drama and fluctuating alliances. Honestly, I didn't sign up for this, I never meant to get in this deep. I'm past grade school, past college and no longer need to entertain faux friendships. Or so I thought.

Life is seemingly all about politics. And I hate that. No, not just in your work life / professional life. Personal relationships have their own version. Some know how to play the game better than others. Some don't. It gets confusing, frustrating and often times you end up getting hurt.

But alas, at this point in the state of things, it's best to just get through things as cleanly and smoothly as possible; I need to ride it out a bit longer and then the charade can end. I want SO BADLY to deal with it now, directly, plainly, simply and maturely, but that's not what's best for those I care for.

What happened?? How did I get to this point in my life where my friends give me this much anxiety and worry? I stay up at night thinking about it, I cry because I feel lonely with no one to talk to (well, Brian listens, but I feel bad for dumping on him), and I fear what may become of certain friendships if I acknowledge my feelings aloud.

I'm very honestly and truly hurt. Why did I waste my time entertaining all of this bullshit? I knew it wasn't the real thing over a year ago, and yet here I am.

So.... if you look at your "list" and think about calling those friends in your time of need, who do you trust to pick up the phone?

I need a hug.