Ponderings

I'm having a hard time today. I've had a lottt to think about lately on this subject and it hasn't become any easier.

I sort of feel like I've been tossed back into grade school, what with all the friend drama and fluctuating alliances. Honestly, I didn't sign up for this, I never meant to get in this deep. I'm past grade school, past college and no longer need to entertain faux friendships. Or so I thought.

Life is seemingly all about politics. And I hate that. No, not just in your work life / professional life. Personal relationships have their own version. Some know how to play the game better than others. Some don't. It gets confusing, frustrating and often times you end up getting hurt.

But alas, at this point in the state of things, it's best to just get through things as cleanly and smoothly as possible; I need to ride it out a bit longer and then the charade can end. I want SO BADLY to deal with it now, directly, plainly, simply and maturely, but that's not what's best for those I care for.

What happened?? How did I get to this point in my life where my friends give me this much anxiety and worry? I stay up at night thinking about it, I cry because I feel lonely with no one to talk to (well, Brian listens, but I feel bad for dumping on him), and I fear what may become of certain friendships if I acknowledge my feelings aloud.

I'm very honestly and truly hurt. Why did I waste my time entertaining all of this bullshit? I knew it wasn't the real thing over a year ago, and yet here I am.

So.... if you look at your "list" and think about calling those friends in your time of need, who do you trust to pick up the phone?

I need a hug.

It's time.

"I just feel like I have so much to say but no good place to share it. Oh wait, that blog thing...."

HEY, friends! It's me :-)

Bet you've stopped reading.

Well, things have been really busy. Really frickin busy. Between twice weekly softball games, trying to find a new place to live, visitors, showers, friends, clients, and family stuff, my head is kind of spinning!

The best bet for me is always an outline format. Eliminates that whole extra complication of transitions....

1. The pool is still fucking closed. Softball friend Taylor just moved to the Burlington and can see the progress (whereas my place doesn't have a view). Let's just say that there isn't any. I'm seriously furious and it's definitely caused a big hit to my emotional health.... it's the absolute foundation of my happiness in the summer months and now every nice day I get serious pangs of anxiety feeling like I should be out, by water, somewhere. Hey doc, I need a boost in my SSRI dosage.... yep.

But is there anything I can do about it? It was estimated to be finished by, well, yesterday, and clearly isn't anywhere close. I wish I could get a discounted rent, but I'm afraid to ask....

2. Business is good. Not referring to my day job, obviously. Although that's fine as well. I've booked a number of clients and just did two last week. I'm thinking of starting a separate blog through my makeup website detailing some of my work with the clients and such. Kind of make it a bit more personal and make the potentials and even those that I've already booked feel a little more "in" on the inner-most workings of the arteeest.

So, here's the schedule:
June 23rd -- did a boudoir session, super fun! I love doing these because of the extra "va va voom" factor. Everyone wants to vamp it up.

June 27th -- bride + others. Bride looked exactly like Kendra from Girls Next Door (except 35 and not annoying). Gorgeous!! Did her 15 year old daughter, and her 70 year old mother(s), so there was a good range.

July 11th -- another boudoir shoot shot by pal photographer "Callie V."
July 25th -- bride + others
August 8th -- bride + others
August 15th -- Erin's wedding!! Bride, mother, bridesmaids, self...
August 22nd -- Ashley's wedding to my cousin Mike!! Bride, bridesmaids....
September 12th -- Lisa's wedding!! Not sure of who....
September 26th -- Cretin Derham Hall homecoming girls
October 9th -- bride + others
October 17th -- bride + others

Then I start school on October 20th.... holy cow!

3. Softball is going -- and I have the MOTHER of all bruises on my right thigh. It's literally larger than my hand. It's about 6" in diameter. A fast hit, low-flying ball took a hop off the ground and nailed me. Yeeeowtch!

We WERE doing great until we had a game cancelled -- we've tanked ever since.

4. That's all I can manage for right now.... because otherwise I'll get distracted and never finish.

Hope you've enjoyed!

How to start a fun weekend.

I made the mistake this morning of stepping on my scale. I hope to God I was wearing 40-lb pants.

Summer Lovin'

For years, Erin and I have discussed making a list of "to dos" for the summer months. This year, we've decided to actually buckle down and do it. Here are some ten thoughts I just came up with:

1. Get a sweet tan, and some super sexy tan lines to match

2. Bar hop - high on the list are those with great patios: Stella's, Cowboy Slims, Brit's, Psycho Suzi's, Solera, Billy's..... Drink Uptown if I'm desperate ;-)

3. Attend a BBQ

4. Go to a beach in town - feel sand between my toes.

5. Bike

6. Walk

7. Grill food

8. A trip to the cabin with my fantabulous cousins

9. Have a sleepover with girlfriends

10. Go hiking with my hubby. I love being outdoors but have a hard time getting myself out the door..... I hope to change that this year!

Ask.... and ye shall receive.

At the request of a reader, I am blogging more to give you some workday entertainment. I'm not sure if that's what this can be defined as, but at least it's something to do. Yah? Yah.

I'm currently reading Angels & Demons (Dan Brown) and can't put it down. I read DaVinci Code years ago, right before the movie came out, and have to say that I like this one better! It's got such a driving mystery - clues, secrets, murders, shock, suspense - and couples with great historical background on the Vatican and Catholicism, making it a very entertaining read.

Sometimes it's hard not to get wrapped up in the story and details, considering all the factual references. This, I imagine, is why there were so many crazies after the DaVinci Code came out..... It would, however, be SUPER cool to do an adventure through Rome seeing all the sites outlined in the book. Lordy Christ, I need to travel.

That's all for now. Wow, that's incredibly boring. More later.