Sunday, December 22, 2013

I give.

Once upon a time, I blogged....

I blogged about random things. I blogged about funny things (at least I think they were funny). I blogged about whatever the fuck I felt like. This is a metaphor for my life. I could do whatever the fuck I felt like doing!

Then September came, and I had a child. And it was and is amazing. But, my ability to go to a movie on a whim is somewhat compromised. Of course, I realized that this change was coming while pregnant, but until you're really in it and watching the hours fly by in between feedings and diapers and laughs and smiles, you just don't quite comprehend the transformation. 

So, I'm back. Blogging has always been a bit of a steam valve for my brain. When the brain gets too hot, it's time to funnel through the fingers. That's not to say that my blog posts have always been a way to vent or bitch, but I just have a lot of feelings...

That shit never gets old.

Nah, I'm not even really here to share feelings at this point. I just need to write sometimes! I'm a total scatterbrain, with clinical levels of anxiety, and writing focuses this very warbly person. And despite my irregularity, I truly enjoy putting pen finger to paper key.

If you've been following along, you've probably put two and two together to realize that I technically will now be considered a "Mommy Blogger." Ugh. BUT, BEFORE YOU ROLL YOUR EYES and click over to one of your 9 other browser windows (imdb, anyone?)... 
I hereby promise not to commit the classic Mommy Blog fouls. 
  - I will not make you think that I live any sort of perfect family paradise
  - I will not sugar coat
  - I will not censor my sailor mouth
  - I will not forget that I am a person in addition to a mom
  - I will not make this blog into talk therapy session or a personal journal filled with drivel
  - I will not have a perfectly decorated home for every holiday (or any holiday, for that matter)
  - There will be no giveaways, there will be no advertisements*

I must, however, admit to you that the following are unavoidable:
  - I will never NOT be a mom, which will likely affect my writing
  - I will always believe that my child is gorgeous and smart
  - I will certainly post pictures
  - I will celebrate victories big and small (but also promise to acknowledge failures)
  - I will include a fair share of day-to-day hum-drum life
  - I will be opinionated, and - because it's my blog - I will think I'm right

In conclusion, I'm back. For today, anyway. I'll probably forget again and not post for a month. 

C'est la vie.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Gestation: 35 weeksholycrap

Remember that time I was going to return to blogging and then a month went by? Weird. That's so unusual.

I'm trying to think of anything to share other than the usual pregnancy updates, but I'm seriously tired and seriously short on brain function. Neither of which seem to be inspiring deep thoughts.

Brian is out of town this weekend, which is kind of a bummer because I can't talk to him... BUT, it's great because I can sleep with as many pillows as I want! And that would be one giant body pillow, and four regular pillows, and two cat-shaped pillows that beg for food at 4am.

Progress in the nursery doesn't seem to be anything to the outsider, but we have ALL our baby things organized and in storage bins, and have moved them out of the room to prepare for paint and a quick clean of the carpets. That means as soon as that paint is on the walls (this week), it's GO TIME! It's honestly a great way to pass the time over the home stretch of pregnancy. So, if you're wondering if I'm "antsy" or "anxious for it to be over with" the answer is a big fat no! I have things to do before Tony Danza arrives, but if he/she did come soonish, we have everything necessary to keep him/her alive and well (diapers, blanket, boobs, hugs).

Here are some of the details....

Weeks: 35 (that would be 7/8 or 87.5% done)

Weight: Still -5 lbs since pre-pregnancy

Doctor's update: Measuring right on par, heart rate 160bpm

What I'm craving: Watermelon, water, margaritas, coconut curry, and one of our favorite pasta recipes (we have our own modifications)

Where it hurts: tired feet, heart burn, and my belly is getting bigger and tighter (rolling over and bending over have become quite the challenge).

Strange symptoms: DROOLING. Not, like, while I'm having a conversation or taking care of a client, but all night long while I sleep. SO sexy.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Gestation: 30 weeks

Apparently I'm supposed to keep everyone in the know as to the doneness of my fetus. How doughy is it in the middle? Will it give me salmonella? What should the interior temperature be?

Well folks, we're currently at 30 out of 40 weeks (extra weeks ≠ extra credit), or 75% for the statisticians of the world. That means my baby is getting a C. Average, hooray! Just what I was hoping for.

It's funny to me how people will say "well how many months is that?" because I have no fucking clue. That's like me telling you that I'm 5'9" and you asking me to convert it to metric for you.... Everything about pregnancy is measured by weeks - heck, they can measure the size of the head during an ultrasound and give you weeks and DAYS of how big your baby is measuring - so I have no idea why the idea of months still hangs around.

I guess I'm also a person who operates in weeks just because of my job. Pixie cut? Come back in four weeks. Bob? More like six. Long hair? Jesus, I'm satisfied if you manage to come back to get your crispy crusty ends cut more than three times in a calendar year.

Wasn't this post supposed to be about my pregnancy? Oh yeah.... Here are some specs. I have no idea what you actually want to know...

Weeks: 30

Months: Fuck off

Stuff that's done: Hahahahaha

Stuff that's not done: Yes.

What I'm craving: Margaritas (on the rocks, no salt, extra tequila pls thx), turkey sandwiches, watermelon, salad... anything cold sounds pretty great in the heat.

Where it hurts: Legs and headaches

What it's like to be roundhouse kicked in the baby maker: totally awesome. No really, I seriously love every jazzercise moment, and every "mom, leave me alone!" elbow nudge.

What flavor is the baby? An unofficial survey shows that 75% think it's pink.

Names: Tony Danza is what we're calling him/her. Actual baby names are still totally up in the air, and we won't be sharing anyway.

Nursery plans: Navy blue & white with a slight nod in the Nautical direction

OK, that's all for now! Another update on Dr's appointment day, which will be in two weeks....

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Return of the Mac.

I was hassled by a friend this weekend that I need to be a "mommy blogger." It was honestly something I had kind of rolled my eyes at, until she said it was because she thought I was a good writer... and I really appreciated the sentiment. I think sometimes "mommy blogs" can get a bit indulgent: they become another form of attention-getting for you and your blessed, perfect child. This is exactly what I DON'T want.

That all being said, I'm going to give bloggery another go... for my own sanity, for a way to tell some of the other stories, and for something to do during maternity leave (as I'm sure I'll be SO BORED).

So here goes.


Disclaimer: this could very well be the last post you ever see. I'm not so good with follow through.

Random tangent: I MISS typing! Doesn't that sound so weird?! I don't exactly have to compose a lot of emails or memos at my job, but I've always been fast at it, and damn it feels good. Especially when I get all worked up and throw a few expletives in there... That's right, this will be a mommy blog where you'll frequently encounter the word FUCK.  High five!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The soothing scent of Acetone.

I gotta tell you, painting my nails is like weekly therapy for me.  So much so that I'm actually writing a blog post about it.  But that's mostly because my blog seemed sad, and I literally just finished up my paint job.

My usual process involves donning some sweat pants (none of that VS Pink shit, I mean real, grey, drawstring waist, purchased at the U of M Sports store and say "Gopher Wrestling" on one leg), cozying up on my recliner, and watching some cable TV, God love it.  I use my skills as a whack-a-doo perfectionist to ensure a perfectly executed manicure.  It's like my own zen rock garden.... raking the sand....

One of the best parts is the ability to sit and do nothing with very good reason!  I can't mess up my manicure!  

Errrr.... so that's as far as I've thought this post through.  Huh.  Anyone watching Conan right now?  Hilarious!  

Here are my favorite nail polishes!  That's a good idea!!

CND Stickey Base Coat

CND Super Shiney Top Coat

OPI Vampsterdam

OPI Skull & Glossbones (discontinued... buzzkill)

OPI Barefoot In Barcelona

OPI I Vant To Be A Lonestar

....and without further ado, here is tonight's manicure via iPhone3 (the crappy one without a flash)

This is OPI Play The Peonies and ESSIE Set In Stones on my ring finger.  Swear to God, I get more comments on my wedding ring when I wear sparkly silver glitter on that nail.

Wow, this was truly boring.  Sorry folks.  I dedicate this post to Colin Mayr, because I doubt it he made it this far.