Monday, April 27, 2009

We're years past "shotgun"...

This is killing you. You can't take it anymore. You're dying to know, aren't you.....

Alright then, here's the as-promised story of the WHITE TRASH WEDDING.

Background: this is Brian's 26-year old cousin that knocked up his girlfriend when they were 18 and then again at 20. While still living at home. Fast forward to Saturday.

To start, the ceremony was at 2pm at the courthouse. One could expect a 20-minute wedding, if that. The reception start time was listed as 6pm. Super. We skipped out on the tiny courthouse deal, and let Brian's parents go without us and hit the reception part. There was likely no way that all of the invited guests could fit at a courthouse wedding anyway.

So, onto the reception at the Monona Community Center. Picture it if you will: A small, 70's style gymnasium type room with a few strands of icicle lights, cafeteria tables lined up with plastic chairs, plastic table"cloths", fake lavender rose petals strewn across them with random glass containers in which swam purple beta fish.

Hope that set the tone and the ambience appropriately for you.

Now how about the food & beverage situation?? Always important in the wedding world. The tiny bar had a little soda station (the old kind with the four tappers you used to see at high school football games) set up next to it with plastic cups. Kids surrounded the machine. The bar itself was serving complementary Miller High Life in plastic cups. The champagne of beers if you will (which WAS consumed by the bridal party out of champagne glasses. Ironic, no?). Other than that, it was cash only.

It came time for the buffet, so folks started lining up..... we finally arrived at the buffet table to find styrofoam plates and plastic "silverware." They had run out of napkins. A couple of veggies & dip trays, followed by giant containers of potato salad (heavy on the mayo), pasta salad (very heavy on the mayo), and coleslaw (guess what? MAYO). A box of buns, and two trays with meat -- BBQ pulled pork and pulled turkey -- completed the spread. I ate all my veggies and one small pork sandwich. I didn't bother with the mayo-plus salads.

The cake, prominently displayed by the buffet, was an instant throwback to 1988. Tiers offset with little "bridges" in between upon which stood the little plastic (purple) bridal party, leading up to the top tier featuring the plastic bride and groom. And don't forget a red wine fountain positioned beneath the top tier. Everyone raved at how beautiful and what a masterpiece this cake was. The bride's neighborlady had made it. I'm pretty sure her name was Barb or Kathy or something.

But the real treat was the interesting crew of guests in attendance..... I can sum it up in one word: babymomma. OK, maybe that's two and maybe a few more words are necessary.... such as JEANS, t-shirts, baseball caps, drunks, flip flops, cigarettes, (short) sun dresses, unfortunate English usage, tattoos, hoop earrings, tennis shoes, "pimp hats"...... the list goes on. And LOTS of kids. My favorite was the 8 months pregnant girl (19 maybe?) wearing a SHORT blue sundress (spaghetti straps no less) with silver flip flops slow dancing with her man (baby daddy? not sure) while he grabbed her butt. Score dude, high five.

The highlights of the evening:

MUCH TO MY JOY, the cake was frickin' delicious. WAY TO GO, Connie!!!! or whatever your name was. Perfectly delightful lemon poppyseed with white buttercream. Yummmm. I had two pieces. But hey, I didn't have much dinner :-/

And the night was MADE when the DJ announced that the bride and groom requested that guests not clink their glasses to get them to kiss, but instead sing yadda yadda..... clink our glasses, you say? Um, excuse me... Mr. DJ.... may I briefly hearken back to the part in the story where I mentioned plastic cups and plastic "silverware?" Not much clinking to be done, eh?

We left still laughing....

HOWEVER, I do have to say that when budgets get cut, some otherwise "classy" brides & grooms eliminate things for their guests such as dinner, free alcohol / soda / bevs of any sort, dessert, and dancing while still expecting people to show up with gifts. This couple made sure to provide those items while remaining within their means, which is definitely worthy of praise. So CHEERS, Chris & April!


  1. Hey, I've been to one of those!!! Somewhere in rural Indiana. I almost expelled the free Budweiser through my nose when I saw the banquet lady dump out a loaf of white bread from the plastic bag she'd retrieved from under the table so that more people could eat their cold cut sandwich for dinner.

    And holla to Patsy for her baking skilz. Ugly cakes get cut up the same as pretty ones.

  2. Yours had a banquet lady? Mine had wedding guests (Joan the cake lady included) restocking the buffet. Awesome.

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  4. AWESOME. I've been to some of these. At least you have a good story out of it!!! Was the bride drunk and crying... blubbering to her new husband how much she loves him? That would have been the icing on the cake!

    But yeah - kudos to them for covering the basics of food, beverages, dessert and dancing.

  5. That's freaking hilarious. Being from 'Sconnie, I know these types of weddings well. I'm doing my best to help my fellow still-in-'Sconnie friends to not have one.

    Sounds like a good time! ;)